If I saw you in Heaven

I know I am supposed to write a post about being unemployed, and I am sure I will get to it eventually. I've got a lot of ideas running through my noggin about that one so it won't be long. However, the other night I had a very weird/awesome/sad dream. It was about my mother and it has stuck with me the past few days. Plus, I just turned on the one playlist in my Itunes that is full of nothing but melodramatic music.

Bare with me on this one.

I am not too sure I will have a point with this post. Usually, when things stick with me like this dream has, it makes me feel better to write it down and put it out there. Funny enough, I haven't even told Jordan about it, and I ALWAYS tell Jordan about my weird stuff. Like, just last night I woke him up because I had a dream that we were running from some weird bomb thing that I was sure was going to kill us, but just ended up being some kind of freaky firecracker thing....

Anyway, back to the mom dream.

Sometimes I dream about my mother and sometimes I don't. I blogged about this a long time ago in my post I Do. Actually, that was only my second post ever. Back in 2008 when I had a job and was still two years out from finishing up my degree...my how time flies.

Goodness, I digress. Carrying on.

This August, it will be 9 years since my mother passed away. It is a very odd feeling because I remember it as if it were yesterday and the pain still hurts that way too sometimes, but then I think back and realize how much has changed and how much I have grown since I last had a conversation with my mom. I was 14 that month. Now, I am 23 and getting married just a week shy of my 24th birthday.

My how time flies.

A lot has changed. I was so young and innocent then. My life was simple when my mother was around. I hadn't yet started High School, hit puberty, or dated any boys. I was playing sports and tag out in the street with the neighbors. I was ignorant. I was blissfully happy. Not to say I am not happy now. I am soooo happy now. But I know things would be different if she were still here. Sometimes I wonder how different.

Through all the years she has been gone, I have had just two wishes:

1.) That I could have one conversation with her each time I grow a decade older. There is so much I want to share with her now that I couldn't 9 years ago. And I am sure I will have a lot more when I am 34 and 44 and 54 and etc. Just one conversation. That is all.

2.) That Jordan could meet her.

I believe I have wished for these things so much that they have seeped into my subconscious and have come to life in my sleep. I believe my mother is making these dreams come true as best as she could.

Because it actually happened.


A few days ago I had a dream, and I think it is safe to say this is one of the most powerful nocturnal visions I have ever had.

My mother was "back" and me and a few of my sisters were sitting with her at our old kitchen table in our old house in Houston. I had the sensation of knowing she was back but knew she wouldn't be here with us for long. She was only here to talk with us for a short period so I only got a certain amount of time to ask her anything I wanted. I really and truly felt like this was real, while it was happening and long after I woke up. I had never felt that way before. I knew when I was talking to her, I was really talking to her and she was really talking back. My mind was racing with all the things I wanted to tell her and ask her about. I felt rushed because I knew I might wake up soon and it would all be over. Yet, I felt so calm and chose my words wisely. And this is what transpired:

Me: "Mom, do I have to tell you everything, or can you see us all the time and already know?"
Mom: "I see everything and am with all of you all the time."
Me: "Ok, so you know about Jordan...but I don't get it, how did you get here?"
Mom: "The way to get here is a very spiritual and complicated process."
Me: "So you can't stay long...can I ask you something without you getting mad? I don't know the rules."
Mom: "Why would I get mad? You can ask me anything."
Me: "Where did you come from? Where were you before you came here?"
Mom: "I was in the most wonderfully beautiful place a person could ever be. But, I am also with you whenever you want me to be."

Then, in my mind I felt myself starting to wake up and I could feel myself being pulled away. Things became fuzzy and I fought to try and stay in the moment but I knew it was useless. I had used up my time. I watched her smile and I spoke through my heart, telling her how I missed her and loved her always...and just like that she was gone and I laid awake in my bed in Iowa. All I could think about at that point was just one thing....

My mother is alive. She is alive and she is with us because she is in Heaven. Heaven exists and I am no longer scared of death.

And let me tell you the biggest feeling of peace washed over me.

And I drifted back to sleep.

You can call me crazy. You can call me senile and desperate, but I truly believe my mother came to me in my sleep and secretly told me not to worry. There is a heaven and it is everything we believe and no matter how lonely we feel she is always watching us and stays with us. I had always believed this before, but now I had definite proof. I had heard it straight from her. It was the single most powerful and comforting thing to ever happen to me.



And she was the most beautiful Angel.




(ok, now that I am sodden with tears I must go and regroup. Don't worry, I promise to get that Unemployment post up soon!)