I Do

Last night I had a nightmare. One of those recurring dreams that invade your sleep every once in a while. Ever have one of those?

I do.

It is not your typical nightmare. Many dream of giant spiders roaming the streets (or in my case roaches, and thanks to the new Orkin commercials the giant roach is closer to becoming a reality), or receiving a test back from your professor only to learn that you made a big fat F. Sure, I have those dreams too, I mean, I am a normal woman. However, this particular nightmare is especially scary because unlike those dreams where insects take on life forms, this dream actually happened.
My mother's death was the most traumatic incident of my lifetime. It was, hands down, the most painful experience of my life and the worst part is, no matter how hard I try to forget, the events of the night of my mother's passing are forever burned into my memory. I will never be able to explain how it feels, nor do I ever expect anyone else to know what it feels like to lose a parent (unless you have yourself). The only thing I can say is, imagine the worst sadness you ever felt in your life and multiply that by 100. Now imagine feeling that same pain all over again periodically. Don't you think that would get frustrating?

I do.

Occasionally, my subconscious decides to re-create my mother's death in my dreams and it always feels just as bad as it did when it actually happened. I never know what to do when I wake up in the morning and the images of my dream dance around in my head like grasshoppers slowly making their way down the back of my throat and into my chest, creating a 10 pound weight that will most likely sit there for the rest of the day. I could have a perfectly normal day where nothing goes wrong, make straight A's a whole semester, magically cure a sick man, or rescue a puppy from a near death experience, but as soon as I lay my head on my pillow and drift off to sleep my nightmare is still liable to surface at any point in the night.

I hate it.

What really sucks is that they feel so real. I forget I am asleep and actually believe my mother is leaving me all over again. Cruel takes a new form when my mind decides to play a trick on me and I dream that my mother has come back to life, healthy, and ready to attack the day with me, talk with me, and catch up on everything that has happened in my life only to fall ill and become a victim to the cancer once again. Memories of me standing in her bedroom with my grandparents forcing me to hold her weakening hand flash through my eyes. The sound of her telling me "goodnight" and "I love you" one last time permeate my ears. Pain rears it's ugly head and unlike a normal nightmare, the morning sun doesn't bring relief. I carry it with me for the rest of the day. Many may not understand how a person can go on like this for the rest of their life.

I do.

Not every night is accompanied by a nightmare. In fact, sometimes I have quite pleasant dreams. I believe that my mother's spirit continues to live on inside me and chooses to interact with me through my dreams. The evenings are the only times I get to interact with my mother, tell her about my life and see how she is doing. I know this to be true because a few years ago my mother barely ever appeared in my fantasies and if she did she never spoke. Lately, however, I have been longing for my mother to be around to talk to and ask for advice on many subjects. Since then, my wishes have been granted because now not only is my mother a frequent character in my subconscious episodes but she takes on plenty of dialogue! I know it may sound funny but when this happens I can really feel her there and can really hear myself talking to her. I know deep down she has been there through every major stepping stone of my life because she has shown me in my dreams. My mother has showed me she approves of my love in the only way I know suitable to her. A simple smile as I danced with Jordan on the night of my graduation was all I needed.Freakishly, she has even made an appearance in Jordan's nighttime thoughts as well. Some may not believe this can be possible.

I do.

Of course, I still miss her terribly and not having the ability to just call her up on the telephone when I've had a bad day still tears me apart. I can't make her appear in my dreams on demand but I don't think you will hear any complaints coming from me anytime soon. I would rather have this than nothing. I would rather be able to dream of her positively half of the time and endure the searing pain of her death a third of the nights throughout the year than to not dream of her at all. And this, my friends, is how I get through my days. Still, those nightmares are never easy to deal with and are not the least enjoyable, but this is when I thank my lucky stars that when the morning sun does bring pain to my pillow I have my blessing of God's true love lying on the other side of the bed, waiting to comfort me when I need it most.

So last night I had a nightmare. I had a dream my mother was sick and I was hiding in my room, covering my ears like I used to when I wanted to avoid seeing her in pain. She didn't leave me this time, I left her, and that can hurt worse. Nonetheless, despite the nightmare I took the day to appreciate the current events of the day. Pushing aside the pain I felt in the night I got dressed, loaded my backpack and got ready to begin the second session of summer school. I had taken summer school before and I knew nothing about it was exciting but today was an exception. Today, I got to step on campus with Jordan for his first time as an Aggie, a new beginning and a new chapter of our lives. I couldn't help but look up at the heaven's and know my mother was watching, smiling in approval just like she had in my dream. Deep down inside my heart I asked the simple of question "do you feel proud?" and I knew she was up there, simply answering.

I do.