If I saw you in Heaven

I know I am supposed to write a post about being unemployed, and I am sure I will get to it eventually. I've got a lot of ideas running through my noggin about that one so it won't be long. However, the other night I had a very weird/awesome/sad dream. It was about my mother and it has stuck with me the past few days. Plus, I just turned on the one playlist in my Itunes that is full of nothing but melodramatic music.

Bare with me on this one.

I am not too sure I will have a point with this post. Usually, when things stick with me like this dream has, it makes me feel better to write it down and put it out there. Funny enough, I haven't even told Jordan about it, and I ALWAYS tell Jordan about my weird stuff. Like, just last night I woke him up because I had a dream that we were running from some weird bomb thing that I was sure was going to kill us, but just ended up being some kind of freaky firecracker thing....

Anyway, back to the mom dream.

Sometimes I dream about my mother and sometimes I don't. I blogged about this a long time ago in my post I Do. Actually, that was only my second post ever. Back in 2008 when I had a job and was still two years out from finishing up my degree...my how time flies.

Goodness, I digress. Carrying on.

This August, it will be 9 years since my mother passed away. It is a very odd feeling because I remember it as if it were yesterday and the pain still hurts that way too sometimes, but then I think back and realize how much has changed and how much I have grown since I last had a conversation with my mom. I was 14 that month. Now, I am 23 and getting married just a week shy of my 24th birthday.

My how time flies.

A lot has changed. I was so young and innocent then. My life was simple when my mother was around. I hadn't yet started High School, hit puberty, or dated any boys. I was playing sports and tag out in the street with the neighbors. I was ignorant. I was blissfully happy. Not to say I am not happy now. I am soooo happy now. But I know things would be different if she were still here. Sometimes I wonder how different.

Through all the years she has been gone, I have had just two wishes:

1.) That I could have one conversation with her each time I grow a decade older. There is so much I want to share with her now that I couldn't 9 years ago. And I am sure I will have a lot more when I am 34 and 44 and 54 and etc. Just one conversation. That is all.

2.) That Jordan could meet her.

I believe I have wished for these things so much that they have seeped into my subconscious and have come to life in my sleep. I believe my mother is making these dreams come true as best as she could.

Because it actually happened.


A few days ago I had a dream, and I think it is safe to say this is one of the most powerful nocturnal visions I have ever had.

My mother was "back" and me and a few of my sisters were sitting with her at our old kitchen table in our old house in Houston. I had the sensation of knowing she was back but knew she wouldn't be here with us for long. She was only here to talk with us for a short period so I only got a certain amount of time to ask her anything I wanted. I really and truly felt like this was real, while it was happening and long after I woke up. I had never felt that way before. I knew when I was talking to her, I was really talking to her and she was really talking back. My mind was racing with all the things I wanted to tell her and ask her about. I felt rushed because I knew I might wake up soon and it would all be over. Yet, I felt so calm and chose my words wisely. And this is what transpired:

Me: "Mom, do I have to tell you everything, or can you see us all the time and already know?"
Mom: "I see everything and am with all of you all the time."
Me: "Ok, so you know about Jordan...but I don't get it, how did you get here?"
Mom: "The way to get here is a very spiritual and complicated process."
Me: "So you can't stay long...can I ask you something without you getting mad? I don't know the rules."
Mom: "Why would I get mad? You can ask me anything."
Me: "Where did you come from? Where were you before you came here?"
Mom: "I was in the most wonderfully beautiful place a person could ever be. But, I am also with you whenever you want me to be."

Then, in my mind I felt myself starting to wake up and I could feel myself being pulled away. Things became fuzzy and I fought to try and stay in the moment but I knew it was useless. I had used up my time. I watched her smile and I spoke through my heart, telling her how I missed her and loved her always...and just like that she was gone and I laid awake in my bed in Iowa. All I could think about at that point was just one thing....

My mother is alive. She is alive and she is with us because she is in Heaven. Heaven exists and I am no longer scared of death.

And let me tell you the biggest feeling of peace washed over me.

And I drifted back to sleep.

You can call me crazy. You can call me senile and desperate, but I truly believe my mother came to me in my sleep and secretly told me not to worry. There is a heaven and it is everything we believe and no matter how lonely we feel she is always watching us and stays with us. I had always believed this before, but now I had definite proof. I had heard it straight from her. It was the single most powerful and comforting thing to ever happen to me.



And she was the most beautiful Angel.




(ok, now that I am sodden with tears I must go and regroup. Don't worry, I promise to get that Unemployment post up soon!)

Oh...hello there

As you can tell, I am pretty good about blogging only once a month. Problem is, I did not blog at all in May. My bad guys, my bad. I left May 4th from Waterloo, Iowa to head to Texas. I just got back from the Lone Star State on Memorial Day. You would think that throughout the three and a half weeks I was in the South I would have at least something to talk about.

Ok, this is what I have to say about my time in Texas.

It was hot. There was a lot of alcohol. Scorpions are mischievous and scary little creatures.

All in all I had a blast. It almost felt like I had moved back home. It was nice seeing a bunch of people I had not seen in a while, and spending time with my family is always a hoot. Numerous individuals had commented on my blog and quoted on how much they enjoyed reading it. I was ordered by a few to "keep it up! Don't stop!" I thanked them and appreciated their generous comments, and assured them that I do not plan on stopping. Let's face it, this is practically my job now...which is part time...and unpaid....

There is only one problem with all of this. You see, I am unemployed. I stay at home and I don't have any kids (and for the next 4 months I won't have a dog either).

I have NOTHING to talk about.

My sister Elaine told me I needed to write about stuff that people can relate to. Okay, that's an excellent idea. Thanks sis. So I started thinking...what is it that I do that I can talk about that other people can also relate to?

....

Here are my options:

1.) How to suck at being a housewife
2.) How to burn Hamburger Helper
3.) The benefits of vacuuming and what it can and cannot do to help your figure.
4.) How to sleep until 9:30am every morning yet tell your fiance that you "got up early and got stuff done!"
5.) How to let your yard become overridden with weeds and thus become the laughing stock of the neighborhood.
6.) How to Swiffer Sweep linoleum flooring.
7.) How to identify which daytime tv programs are complete crap and which are award winning. (Spike TV's Jail is awesome!)
8.) How to constantly buy your significant other the wrong type of underwear three times in a row.
9.) How to make a list of shit your significant other needs to do even though he works all day 5 days a week and you do not.
10.) How to spend money without earning any back.

Or I could just talk about being unemployed.


Ok...let's go with that.



Next post.



Which won't be in a month.



I promise.



Swear.



Do you believe me?



Please?



You can trust me!



Alright, I'm going to watch "Jail." (Don't judge! It's a marathon and I already folded the laundry.)

- Shirley