Humans are not meant to be alone. Also, I have problems.

My 12 day stint of solitary confinement in Iowa is almost over. By this time tomorrow, I will be on my way to the Des Moines International Airport to pick up my fiance who will be returning from his trip in Memphis. Let me tell you, John Deere had excellent timing on sending Jordan to the South. He had to endure three long nights of numerous storm warnings and tornado sirens. I was constantly checking the radar on the internet and watching "The Weather Channel" religiously, almost certain that a tornado was going to blow over his hotel at any moment. I would wake up every morning and frantically send him a text message to see if he was still alive. I usually got the response "huh, I didn't even know it rained last night."

Jordan is never scared of anything. I wish I had his courage. Or ignorance. Or whatever it is that lets him sleep peacefully at night. I clearly don't have it. The past eleven nights have been torturous for me. I could handle myself pretty well during the day. Sure it was boring, and sure my contact with fellow human beings was extremely limited, but I was comforted in the fact that creeps NEVER break into homes during the daylight hours. Never. Which we all know isn't true. Bad things can happen at anytime, but I had to feel good about something. So that's what I picked.

Nighttime was a different story. I would gaze out my window watching the light grow dimmer, and slowly inch my blanket closer to my face in fear. I was constantly under the impression that someone was stalking me and knew my fiance was out of town. They knew I was alone in that house. They knew I was afraid. They knew I only attained the fighting skills of an 8 month old baby. They were FOR SURE coming for me at any moment. I learned many things during these nights alone.

For instance:

1.) Houses make weird noises for no reason whatsoever. You will never hear them when you have company in the house, but as soon as it is empty and you're the sole being in the building, these noises suddenly appear. They are LOUD and they are CREEPY. Simple noises like the heater (yes, because we are still having to run the heater up here in the north) starting up send you into a freak panic mode. The creak of the stairs makes you stumble blindly to the loaded shotgun sitting in the corner of your room, for you are definitely sure there is someone outside your bedroom door this time. Your dog farts at 3am and you pee a little.

2.) When you're alone in a new home, every time you walk into a room you can immediately point random objects out and know exactly how to use them as a weapon. Let me show you.

Windex =



Mace.

Spoons =



eyeball gougers.

And a dog bone =



machete.

Granted, I really DO have a loaded shotgun sitting in the corner of my bedroom. Why that doesn't bring me peace of mind, I have no idea. I just know I have problems.

My favorite part of being alone is the pep talks I give myself every night. When I finally feel that I might be tired enough to fall asleep around 1am and turn the light off, I lay in bed, eyes wide open, listening to all the creepy Iowan noises. I turn on a giant box fan to block out some of the creaks and squeaks of the night, but I somehow still hear something. I remind myself over and over that I'm just clinically insane, and that I should never have watched that movie on Lifetime about the woman who was assaulted in her basement by a drunk homeless man. "It's ok, Shirley. Really it's ok! Just go to sleep, everything is fine. 'No one wants you,' as Jordan would say, and he's probably right (I mean, how does the phrase 'no one wants you' uttered by your fiance, a man who supposedly loves you enough to spend the rest of his life with you, bring you comfort? I really do have problems). So just shut up and go to sleep."

When the fan, knowledge of the gun being only two feet away, and my dramatic pep talk fail, I stumble to the bathroom and load up on Benadryl. That usually does the trick.

So yes, I am so happy that Jordan is coming home tomorrow. Ya ya ya, I missed him and whatever. But, I am always 100% more happy and feel so incredibly safe when he is here with me. I only have to get through one more torturous night, 9 hours of pep talks and Benadryl dosages, and then I'll be as anxious as ever to drive over to that airport and see that wonderful smile once more.

:)