Encouragement

I think tonight I am going to be a little whiny and divulge you all in my latest self-revelation. I hate the fact this happened, but I can't deny it didn't either. Those who hold close relationships with me may have noticed, and I apologize. For the past few months I have been in a funk. A funk, I now believe, was inevitable to happen.

Perhaps this is a normal part of life. When we reach milestones we can't help but take a look at ourselves and examine what is deep within. We ask ourselves many questions, such as: "am I happy?" "Am I contributing something of value to society?" "Have I failed anyone?"

I couldn't escape my self-evaluation. No one was judging me but myself, and I tore my self-esteem apart. Of all the inquiries I continuously asked myself, I never had a good answer. I felt like a failure in life. I had a college degree but no job. I had an amazingly brand-new husband, but felt like a worthless wife. I witnessed many of my peers land awesome careers and a few family members started to raise their families. I quickly felt like my only contributions in life were limited to vacuumed carpets and feeding the dog. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life while others my age were bringing in paychecks. I felt behind, anxious, restless and angry.

I felt worthless.

I neglected everything that brought joy to my life. I turned away from music, telling myself I sucked. I stopped writing and believed I was not good enough to make anything of it. Sure, I can put a sentence together, but a whole story? Forget it. I had no drive, no discipline and absolutely no motivation.

I was a mess.

Jordan, oh so sweet Jordan, helped me one night. We talked it out for a few hours dissecting every little thing that bothered me. I let him in on my self-evaluation and kept asking him why my results were so negative and demeaning. I realized I was tired of feeling the way I did, and he helped me find a way out of it.

I searched within myself for my own answers. I reflected on many things, focusing on my faith and prayed for a better attitude. I knew I had a lot to be thankful for and I shouldn't be so quick to compare myself to others. In time, I began to come around.

I picked up my guitar again, relearned a few songs and set new goals for myself. I began to pick up a pen a little more often and write down a few words here and there. I realized I needed to focus on what I did well and be proud of it, no matter how minute I or anyone else may feel it was. I figured out what I needed to do to feel more like myself and not so much like a failure. It was as if I awoke one morning and I saw my life in an entirely new light. I was content. I was focused. I was ready to take charge again.

And if it wasn't for the man I married, I'd probably still be sulking in my pity party. Working a job I hated just to pay the bills. He pushes me to be a better person and encourages me so much to make me believe I can do anything I want to in this life.

With him as my husband, I sure as hell can :)