I love me some pillow talk. Every night I can chat multiple ears off and poor Jordan only has two. We sort have different ideas about bedtime. For me, I see it as a perfect opportunity to catch up. There are no distractions to keep us from having a full conversation. Communication is such an important part to any relationship, so why not take advantage of what is a completely perfect opportunity? I love to shoot the breeze once the lights turn out. I love talking about our days, our wishes for the future, jokes, laughing, praying...etc. However, For Jordan, climbing into bed and turning the lights off means it is snooze time. That's it. Nothing else. Sleep. Nonetheless, every now and then Jordan blesses me with the chance to hold pillow talk, and last night we had a pretty good conversation.
I have always known what Jordan wants for the future. Ever since we started dating, it was clear what his hopes and dreams were. I think a part of that is what drew me to him in the first place. He is a man that has had a vision of success since the tender age of 8. Most people grow out of their childhood fantasies about what they want to be when they grow up, but not he. Seeing his dreams come to fruition is his ultimate goal, and it always has been. I have always known this. It would mean the world to me for all of this to come true for him. I have watched him labor and pray for his goal over the years, and it would make me the happiest person just to see him be granted what he has long deserved.
Some may be thinking that I am simply rolling over and letting him have all the glory. You may be asking, "Well, what about your dreams? What about your hopes and wishes?"
And this, ladies and gentlemen, was the topic of last night's pillow talk.
Jordan knows what I want. In fact, he is only one of the very few that I have confided in about it. He has known what I really want to do for a long time. He always tells me that I can do it, that I shouldn't hold myself back, and that he will make it possible so that it is the only thing I have to focus on.
But it scares me. Because for the first time in my life, last night I realized I was scared of failure.
I always held back on considering doing what I want seriously because it made me feel bad. You see, what I want to do won't bring in any income. At least not for a few good years, and only if I am successful. I have been giving this reason all the blame for not voicing it out to Jordan sooner. For not realizing it myself until recently. However, I will admit that it sort of is an unpleasant thought, to think that I won't be earning a salary and adding to the income of my husband and I's overall wealth. How can I push that burden onto Jordan so early in our marriage?
"Sweet, we're newlyweds! Now get off to work honey and earn me that money sweetie, so we can buy a house and build our dreams on your sweat and tears only."
Ugh, it makes me feel so selfish.
I express all of this to Jordan everytime this subject is brought up. He is always understanding and assures me that he wouldn't feel that way, but the problem is that I do. Not only do I battle with these thoughts, but the idea that if I were to do it, if I were to succumb to my selfish wish and carry out my goal, that I would fail. That I would never fulfill my hopes and dreams because I am no good.
It just seems really odd for someone to be conflicted about their dreams. I know for a fact that this is the only thing that I want to do for the rest of my life. But facing this and accepting it and taking it on is such a scary thought all at the same time. Yes, you must have persistence, strength, and desire to achieve your life's dreams...but what if all of that is simply not enough?
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