I love me some pillow talk. Every night I can chat multiple ears off and poor Jordan only has two. We sort have different ideas about bedtime. For me, I see it as a perfect opportunity to catch up. There are no distractions to keep us from having a full conversation. Communication is such an important part to any relationship, so why not take advantage of what is a completely perfect opportunity? I love to shoot the breeze once the lights turn out. I love talking about our days, our wishes for the future, jokes, laughing, praying...etc. However, For Jordan, climbing into bed and turning the lights off means it is snooze time. That's it. Nothing else. Sleep. Nonetheless, every now and then Jordan blesses me with the chance to hold pillow talk, and last night we had a pretty good conversation.
I have always known what Jordan wants for the future. Ever since we started dating, it was clear what his hopes and dreams were. I think a part of that is what drew me to him in the first place. He is a man that has had a vision of success since the tender age of 8. Most people grow out of their childhood fantasies about what they want to be when they grow up, but not he. Seeing his dreams come to fruition is his ultimate goal, and it always has been. I have always known this. It would mean the world to me for all of this to come true for him. I have watched him labor and pray for his goal over the years, and it would make me the happiest person just to see him be granted what he has long deserved.
Some may be thinking that I am simply rolling over and letting him have all the glory. You may be asking, "Well, what about your dreams? What about your hopes and wishes?"
And this, ladies and gentlemen, was the topic of last night's pillow talk.
Jordan knows what I want. In fact, he is only one of the very few that I have confided in about it. He has known what I really want to do for a long time. He always tells me that I can do it, that I shouldn't hold myself back, and that he will make it possible so that it is the only thing I have to focus on.
But it scares me. Because for the first time in my life, last night I realized I was scared of failure.
I always held back on considering doing what I want seriously because it made me feel bad. You see, what I want to do won't bring in any income. At least not for a few good years, and only if I am successful. I have been giving this reason all the blame for not voicing it out to Jordan sooner. For not realizing it myself until recently. However, I will admit that it sort of is an unpleasant thought, to think that I won't be earning a salary and adding to the income of my husband and I's overall wealth. How can I push that burden onto Jordan so early in our marriage?
"Sweet, we're newlyweds! Now get off to work honey and earn me that money sweetie, so we can buy a house and build our dreams on your sweat and tears only."
Ugh, it makes me feel so selfish.
I express all of this to Jordan everytime this subject is brought up. He is always understanding and assures me that he wouldn't feel that way, but the problem is that I do. Not only do I battle with these thoughts, but the idea that if I were to do it, if I were to succumb to my selfish wish and carry out my goal, that I would fail. That I would never fulfill my hopes and dreams because I am no good.
It just seems really odd for someone to be conflicted about their dreams. I know for a fact that this is the only thing that I want to do for the rest of my life. But facing this and accepting it and taking it on is such a scary thought all at the same time. Yes, you must have persistence, strength, and desire to achieve your life's dreams...but what if all of that is simply not enough?
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Friday, August 13, 2010
Taking Life for Granted
Hello long lost invisible friends and the not so invisible individuals! I actually have three followers now! Ohhhhh man look out! It appears I may be the next hottest blogger on the net. In spite of my growing popularity, I have decided to stop by and drop a few words of wisdom that I have picked up since the last time I blogged. Which was what...in February?
Oh good lord, maybe I won't fill you in on everything, but just a few tidbits I've picked up in the last month or so...or perhaps just this last week.
I mean, I am supposed to be graduating with a bachelor's degree in life, so I must be learning something, right?
First of all, I would like to point out that at the current moment, I am blogging from the comforts of a rocking chair on the front porch of the most beautiful country home known to man. And may I add that there is a subtle and refreshing breeze blowing across the terrain, cooling the burn of the daytime heat and allowing for the perfect amount of condensation to gather upon my Shiner Bock beer bottle. Another amazing aspect of my arriving home this evening was that I found the fridge freshly stocked with ice cold Shiner beer. Oh how I love my dear father.
Now, the sun is beginning to drop lower in the sky, the green grass (and that is a HUGE deal out here, for it being mid-August and the grass still a luscious green is amazingly awesome) is turning a hint of gold as the crickets come out and join me on my awesome porch, taking it all in.
TGIF folks!
Fridays are always wonderful. Even Friday the 13ths, as today is/was. I actually had a pretty good day.
Gazing upon the cows as they graze upon the pasture, a sense of calm is washing over me. This week may not have been the most enjoybale of the year, but it was a week of numerous personal realizations. Let's start from the beginning:
1.) I could never be a military wife...ever. Let me just say that those women are a hell of a lot stronger than I ever will be in my life, and they most certainly deserve a special kind of reward/honor. I could not imagine living every day knowing the person I love is out risking his life, fighting for our and other countries' freedoms putting his life on the line every minute, of every hour, of every day of their deployment. For all of you women and men out there who courageously live through each day in this state, I thank you and respect you more than you will ever know.
Because it has been seven days without a word from Jordan and I am about to lose my mind.
2.) I have learned that not everyone will agree with my actions, my thoughts, and my opinions. And while I have known this to be true for random people I meet or just simple acquaintances, I had to realize that this also held true for my family. We are a very large clan, so of course opinions will differ among the many. I have had to learn to accept this difference and taught myself to not let it get to my heart and feelings. It's OK to be different, especially to be different from your siblings.
In saying this I know a lot will not agree with this blog post. That some may call or comment at a future date on how "stupid" this is going to sound. Or how "desperate" and "needy" and dumb it is. Plus, this won't stop just my family members from speaking their mind, even if it's just to themselves and they never utter a word of their thoughts to me personally, but many unrelated individuals will not agree with me on this either. And to that I say..Oh well, get over it, this is my life, get your own blog, get your own feelings.
Oh wow, I am Angelica Pickles.
But no really, in all seriousness, I believe that God created this week on purpose. Today, I firmly came to realize that this week was a way for God to slap me in the face and say, "just what in the world do you think you are doing?"
Ohhhhh man did I ever hear this loud and clear this week!
Let me explain.
You see, Jordan left a week ago last Saturday for a week long cruise, Sunday-Sunday, to the Bahamas, where we would have no contact with each other for 7 days. No phone calls, no emails, no chats, texts, nothing. Nada. Zero. I kissed him one last time before he left last week and I had to hold on to that for what would seem like the longest week of my life.
Let me be clear: me and Jordan have never gone more than 4 hours without speaking to each other before this trip. This does not include the hours we sleep, because...well...maybe they do because Jordan talks in his sleep all the time.... Anyway, back to my point.... Every trip he or I have ever gone on since we were 18 has either been with each other or within the confines of the United States, so lines of communication were still available and open. This would be the first time I would not hear his voice for 7. Freaking. Days.
Now you're probably at the point to where your muttering to yourself, "omg, get over it, you are so dramatic...get a life, you're so dependent...ack this is nauseating", to which I can respond...this is my life, my blog, get your own feelings...blah, blah, blah, I am Angelica Pickles."
Ok Carrying on.
It was hard. A lot harder than I thought it would be, but most of all it was weird. It was weird to not hear his voice, to tell him I love him whenever I wanted, to let him know how my day was, and to tell him "goodnight" and to "sleep well". This may not seem weird to you, but when you have been doing it for over 58 months straight, you can't help but feel like something is missing.
And it was, it was as if Jordan didn't exist. I lived my nightmare for 7 days. I was living my life without Jordan in it.
And I hated it.
I hated every minute of this week. I was happy for Jordan, he deserved this vacation more than anyone else I currently know. He has labored many, many hours this summer and he needed the break. So when he set off I wanted him to have fun. I wanted him to rest. I wanted him to have a great time with his mother and sister on the cruise ship. But I also wanted him to come back the minute he pulled out of my driveway.
God did this on purpose.
I soon realized how important and how meaningful Jordan is in my life. I had always known this, but it was like a slap in the face. I began to regret all the awful things I had done to him recently. I was in a foul mood the night before he left town, and we didn't have the greatest last night together. I soon felt remorse for it. Considering my past, it was not odd for me to think about what it would be like if he were to never come back...if he, heaven forbid, were to ever join my mother and Our Lord in heaven, how I would feel. I didn't enjoy those thoughts much either. I thought about all the times I wasn't Shirley and became "Angelica", about how I had begun to treat him, how I commenced to take his love and life for granted.
God did this on purpose.
It hit me like a ton of bricks today. God had been telling me these things for a long time, maybe even years, but I was too stubborn to listen. Well now I am listening. I got to talk to Jordan today, for the first time in almost seven days, and I poured my heart out to him. It was filled with apologies, and I love you's and I am sorry's and numerous things I told him I would try and never do again.
This week I learned to never, ever take Jordan for granted.
So now, I am sitting here on the porch of my father's house. A house he built out of the pure love of his heart for a women he loved more than anything in the world. A love he had that he made sure to never take for granted...because she is with our Lord in heaven watching over him, and us, today on this Friday the 13th. A day when numerous people think of their nightmares and I can't help but think my own father is living out mine. Everyday of his life. Military wives all over the world are also sharing in my father's pain, for they may have held the same nightmares, and those nightmares became reality.
Today, I got a phone call from a boy. A boy whose been on vacation for a week, whom I have not been able to speak to for only 7 days...
and I'll be damned if I ever take that for granted.
Oh good lord, maybe I won't fill you in on everything, but just a few tidbits I've picked up in the last month or so...or perhaps just this last week.
I mean, I am supposed to be graduating with a bachelor's degree in life, so I must be learning something, right?
First of all, I would like to point out that at the current moment, I am blogging from the comforts of a rocking chair on the front porch of the most beautiful country home known to man. And may I add that there is a subtle and refreshing breeze blowing across the terrain, cooling the burn of the daytime heat and allowing for the perfect amount of condensation to gather upon my Shiner Bock beer bottle. Another amazing aspect of my arriving home this evening was that I found the fridge freshly stocked with ice cold Shiner beer. Oh how I love my dear father.
Now, the sun is beginning to drop lower in the sky, the green grass (and that is a HUGE deal out here, for it being mid-August and the grass still a luscious green is amazingly awesome) is turning a hint of gold as the crickets come out and join me on my awesome porch, taking it all in.
TGIF folks!
Fridays are always wonderful. Even Friday the 13ths, as today is/was. I actually had a pretty good day.
Gazing upon the cows as they graze upon the pasture, a sense of calm is washing over me. This week may not have been the most enjoybale of the year, but it was a week of numerous personal realizations. Let's start from the beginning:
1.) I could never be a military wife...ever. Let me just say that those women are a hell of a lot stronger than I ever will be in my life, and they most certainly deserve a special kind of reward/honor. I could not imagine living every day knowing the person I love is out risking his life, fighting for our and other countries' freedoms putting his life on the line every minute, of every hour, of every day of their deployment. For all of you women and men out there who courageously live through each day in this state, I thank you and respect you more than you will ever know.
Because it has been seven days without a word from Jordan and I am about to lose my mind.
2.) I have learned that not everyone will agree with my actions, my thoughts, and my opinions. And while I have known this to be true for random people I meet or just simple acquaintances, I had to realize that this also held true for my family. We are a very large clan, so of course opinions will differ among the many. I have had to learn to accept this difference and taught myself to not let it get to my heart and feelings. It's OK to be different, especially to be different from your siblings.
In saying this I know a lot will not agree with this blog post. That some may call or comment at a future date on how "stupid" this is going to sound. Or how "desperate" and "needy" and dumb it is. Plus, this won't stop just my family members from speaking their mind, even if it's just to themselves and they never utter a word of their thoughts to me personally, but many unrelated individuals will not agree with me on this either. And to that I say..Oh well, get over it, this is my life, get your own blog, get your own feelings.
Oh wow, I am Angelica Pickles.
But no really, in all seriousness, I believe that God created this week on purpose. Today, I firmly came to realize that this week was a way for God to slap me in the face and say, "just what in the world do you think you are doing?"
Ohhhhh man did I ever hear this loud and clear this week!
Let me explain.
You see, Jordan left a week ago last Saturday for a week long cruise, Sunday-Sunday, to the Bahamas, where we would have no contact with each other for 7 days. No phone calls, no emails, no chats, texts, nothing. Nada. Zero. I kissed him one last time before he left last week and I had to hold on to that for what would seem like the longest week of my life.
Let me be clear: me and Jordan have never gone more than 4 hours without speaking to each other before this trip. This does not include the hours we sleep, because...well...maybe they do because Jordan talks in his sleep all the time.... Anyway, back to my point.... Every trip he or I have ever gone on since we were 18 has either been with each other or within the confines of the United States, so lines of communication were still available and open. This would be the first time I would not hear his voice for 7. Freaking. Days.
Now you're probably at the point to where your muttering to yourself, "omg, get over it, you are so dramatic...get a life, you're so dependent...ack this is nauseating", to which I can respond...this is my life, my blog, get your own feelings...blah, blah, blah, I am Angelica Pickles."
Ok Carrying on.
It was hard. A lot harder than I thought it would be, but most of all it was weird. It was weird to not hear his voice, to tell him I love him whenever I wanted, to let him know how my day was, and to tell him "goodnight" and to "sleep well". This may not seem weird to you, but when you have been doing it for over 58 months straight, you can't help but feel like something is missing.
And it was, it was as if Jordan didn't exist. I lived my nightmare for 7 days. I was living my life without Jordan in it.
And I hated it.
I hated every minute of this week. I was happy for Jordan, he deserved this vacation more than anyone else I currently know. He has labored many, many hours this summer and he needed the break. So when he set off I wanted him to have fun. I wanted him to rest. I wanted him to have a great time with his mother and sister on the cruise ship. But I also wanted him to come back the minute he pulled out of my driveway.
God did this on purpose.
I soon realized how important and how meaningful Jordan is in my life. I had always known this, but it was like a slap in the face. I began to regret all the awful things I had done to him recently. I was in a foul mood the night before he left town, and we didn't have the greatest last night together. I soon felt remorse for it. Considering my past, it was not odd for me to think about what it would be like if he were to never come back...if he, heaven forbid, were to ever join my mother and Our Lord in heaven, how I would feel. I didn't enjoy those thoughts much either. I thought about all the times I wasn't Shirley and became "Angelica", about how I had begun to treat him, how I commenced to take his love and life for granted.
God did this on purpose.
It hit me like a ton of bricks today. God had been telling me these things for a long time, maybe even years, but I was too stubborn to listen. Well now I am listening. I got to talk to Jordan today, for the first time in almost seven days, and I poured my heart out to him. It was filled with apologies, and I love you's and I am sorry's and numerous things I told him I would try and never do again.
This week I learned to never, ever take Jordan for granted.
So now, I am sitting here on the porch of my father's house. A house he built out of the pure love of his heart for a women he loved more than anything in the world. A love he had that he made sure to never take for granted...because she is with our Lord in heaven watching over him, and us, today on this Friday the 13th. A day when numerous people think of their nightmares and I can't help but think my own father is living out mine. Everyday of his life. Military wives all over the world are also sharing in my father's pain, for they may have held the same nightmares, and those nightmares became reality.
Today, I got a phone call from a boy. A boy whose been on vacation for a week, whom I have not been able to speak to for only 7 days...
and I'll be damned if I ever take that for granted.
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