I have such a lack of motivation these days. I can barely make myself do my school assignments. I can barely make myself do anything, nonetheless, and I am so tired all of the time. For instance, last night I fell asleep on Jordan's couch at 8:20pm. My goodness, IT WASN'T EVEN 9 YET! I'm only 21 years old for Pete's sake, not 84! OK, so I may be turning 22 in a couple of weeks, but still....
I don't know what's happened to me. I don't know how I could have become so lazy. I want to do better, I really do, but I don't know how. I know it sounds pathetic, but it's the truth.
I find myself worrying about a lot of things lately. Worrying about my grades, my future, my life after death, my faith, my relationship, my bank account, my choices, my ability to do anything well, and etc. I worry if I'll ever gain the motivation to do well in school ever again, or if I'm just going to lay back and let the GPA fall down...down...down. My GPA is fine right now, and it's only the 3rd week of the semester, but I feel so overwhelmed.
There are things I still love. I love sitting on a porch with my family and laughing. I love talking with Jordan's Mother one-on-one until 12:30am. I love spending time with just Jordan, laying in bed all Sunday afternoon laughing and not having to worry about a single school assignment for hours. I love going to Aggie football games or sitting in front of the television and watching other universities duke it out on the gridiron while I wait for the next game at Kyle Field to begin. I love to sleep and come home to a clean house...
I love not having to worry.
I just don't want to do it anymore. I am so tired of school. I want to finish. I am so close yet so far.
I am being a child.
This is a part of growing up. This is all about learning to take on responsibilities and taking care of business. A part of this excites me. The thought of graduating from a top ranked university in the country thrills me to no end. I dream every day about the time when I can own my own house, bought with the money both my husband and I worked hard for every day at our jobs. The day when I can come home and cook a full meal that doesn't require me to stick something in a microwave for 3 minutes, remove and stir, and nuke for an additional 2 more minutes. I can't wait to share a life with the man I love more than anything in this world.
My impatience is getting the best of me.
So, I call out to my older and wiser friends and siblings. Those who have walked down this road before and can shed a little a light on my situation. I know school will end sooner than I know it, and I know it will take a lot of self discipline to get my mind in the right state to complete my scholastic duties, but at a time when I feel like my whirlwind of mediocrity and self-pity won't end I need the guidance of one person to get me through this. To remind me that what I feel and think of today is minute when compared to what is waiting for me in the future, if I have lived a faithful life.... The Lord will see me through and I have to remind myself that what some are experiencing at this moment is far worse than what I may ever come across, and that I should be grateful and thankful for the opportunities I am given and the people and things I am blessed with every day.
Maybe sometimes too much wisdom isn't such a great thing.
- Shirley
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