I'll never let him go

I know I talk about Jordan a lot...a whole, whole lot...but he's such a major part of my life its hard to write about my life without him in it. I also realize that it may be hard for some people to realize why he's so important to me and how we can be so devoted to each other at such a young age, but if you knew even half the story then maybe you could begin to understand.

You see, my mother was taken from me when I was fourteen. Two weeks shy of starting my freshman year in high school. I was distraught, and for the first time I began to question my faith. Why did God take away my mother when I had been praying so hard for the past four years for her health to improve? Why did he do this to my family? She was so wonderful and so perfect, it just didn't make sense. I kept going to church and prayed for an answer. Then, one night at my youth group bible study (which was held on my 15th birthday to be exact), we read a passage that answered everything I had been questioning. I couldn't tell you which book it was from, but I do remember that all is said was do not worry about what God has planned for you, he loves you, and everything he does is always for the better. I knew deep down that God would never do anything so hurtful without good reason. I had to keep my faith and no matter how much it hurt, I trusted God to show me why my mother was taken from me at such a young age.

In 2004, we moved to Moulton, Tx. We left the pain and the memories behind in Houston and aimed for a new start. It was my mother's dream to own a farmhouse out in the country and my father kept this promise to her by retiring from his job, selling our suburban home in West University Place, and building the house of her dreams from where of which I am typing out this very blog.

In 2005, my prayers were answered. I met Jordan Michael Dees and suddenly everything made sense. For if my mother would have never gone up to her heaven, we would have never of moved, and I would have never of met the one person who understands me more than anyone else I have ever known.

I'll admit, it wasn't instant. We were friends first for a good year and a half. In fact, at the beginning of my senior year I swore off guys and had no intentions of dating until way into my college years. This just proves that no matter how hard we try, God is the ultimate ruler and only he knows what is best. It came from no where. I had no desire to fall for someone, I didn't even try, it all happened just so naturally. We began talking a little more and more everyday and the more we talked the more I wanted to spend time with him. Soon, we had our first kiss (I made the move because...well...he's Jordan) and the next day he asked me out. I told him I didn't know because I was scared to get my heart broken. It didn't take me long to realize that I would be extremely stupid if I let this boy go, so on Halloween I said yes...and it began. 3 months later he told me he loved me and I expressed to him the same.

I have never meant it more in my life.

The first year was perfect. We were young and in love. We thought nothing could go wrong.

That is where we were wrong.

Jordan's past came back to haunt him. Since the beginning of our courtship, I knew the emotional issues he had been dealing with for most of his life (for privacy reasons I will not go into them) and did everything possible to help him through it. During high school it worked, but when we entered the college world, science took over. I never really understood what anxiety or depression was, but suddenly here I was with a class A example: my boyfriend and my best friend whom I had to watch experience this painful time.

It wasn't easy.

It gripped him like a vice. He became angry. His temper grew short. His grades began to suffer. Our relationship was on the brinks.

We struggled. We fought. We cried. I did my best to understand. Here was this boy I loved, trying to grow into a man, and fighting this mind-stealing disease. I cried with him on so many nights, helping him to understand that no matter what he was feeling I still loved him. It hurt me so much to see him the way he was. It hurt our relationship so much. I knew the real Jordan. The Jordan I knew was the sweetest most unselfish person I had ever known. A boy who rarely became angry and could make me laugh like no other. Where did the Jordan I know and fall in love with go?

He was still there, he was just sick.

Finally, I convinced him to talk to a doctor. First he went to a joke of a M.D. who prescribed him on a type of medicine that did everything opposite of what we wanted to accomplish. To make it clear on what I mean by opposite I'll say this: one day, I beat him in a football video game on Xbox and he punched a hole in the wall. Ya, no exactly what we were aiming for. I don't remember what the medicine was called, but after 6 months of using it we went back and demanded for something else.

We went to a new doctor. An angel sent from Heaven actually. Of course, taking him off of one medicine and prescibing a new one wasn't going to be that easy. He had to rid his body of the junk he was currently taking before he could begin the new one.

Medication withdrawls are no fun.

The next 4 months I watched Jordan's body fight off the crazy-ass pills Dr. knows-no-sense made him take. This was no easy task for our relationship either. There was more crying, more fighting, and more praying to God. Together, we fought through each obstacle, worked through each argument, and kept our faith. I wasn't about to let the boy who changed my world succumb to a mental illness. It was tough. We experienced more in one year than some couples experience in a life time. We had to deal with REAL issues, not pity drama like most nineteen year olds were experiencing at our age, but real, life saving issues.

We overcame.

One morning I woke up, and he was back. My best friend had returned. Actually, to tell the truth, he never left. Soon, we were back to the way things had been before. We were laughing together, loving each other, and spending every waking moment with each other. Our love matured and grew deeper with every morning sunrise. Jordan struggled with something he could not control, and the turmoil it caused him to be fighting his emotions 24/7 created so much stress on himself and our relationship that it became hard. Somehow though, through all the tough times, even when moments were at their lowest, I still loved him. I loved him so much that I stood by him through it all and helped him as much as I could. His happiness meant everything to me, for he had made me happier than anyone I knew. I just wanted to return the favor.

It paid off.

38 months later we are still together and still very deeply in love. We very rarely fight, and when we do its typical couple bickers. You see, Jordan saved me from the throws of my own depression. He saved me from the darkness of my mother's death and answered my prayers. He gave me a reason to live again. In a way, I saved Jordan too, I saved him from the painful memories of his childhood and the repurcussions it was taking on his adult life by standing by him and holding his hand everytime he had an anxiety attack or a depressive pitfall.

But most importantly, God saved both of us. God blessed me with a creature from heaven, a human being without a single evil bone in his body, a man who is caring and loving in so many ways that it will take the rest of my life to give it all back to him.

So yes, I write about Jordan a lot, but he is a gift from God.

And I'll never let him go.